I really thought I had found a studio in Mission Viejo but a poorly handled customer service issue and a schedule change that included removing all Sunday classes gave me serious pause about continuing to try to fit Pilates at that studio into my schedule.

I dove back into the search but the reality is that in the OC Pilates is structured to fit only the stay at home Mom, not the stressed out cubicle dweller.  This realization has been depressing to say the least.

I have been feeling out of sorts without my favorite form of activity and have even resorted to upping the cardio and found a pretty good Pilates on demand class.  It is no shock to me that virtual and self-motivation is not my strong suit.  It is hard enough for me to self-motivate myself into getting to a class.  What I really need and rely on is an instructor to push me, correct me and make me want to go deeper, push and be better than I think am.

The yoga idea has been lurking around in the corners of my mind for a while now.  Part of me thinks it is because I miss Cyndi so much and part of me thinks it is because I really need to find a challenge of some kind and push myself for more.

My yoga experiences to date have been all over the place:

• Gentle yoga at PM, love the supported inversions hate trying to fold myself over as I feel all chokey, still laugh at being forced into serious Frog while listening Love the Way you Lie for the first time.  Gentle (or Yin) yoga always leaves me sort of feeling like I missed something and often bores me into a cranky sleepiness.

• Private class with Cyndi where I didn’t feel so awkward and learned that I have good extension, poor balance and if I focus I can do a down dog.

• Yoga workshop, i.e. two hours in hell 2011.  Two hours of what was supposed to be a beginner’s workshop turned into a 2-hour Sandy sweat-fest.  I lost count of the Sun Salutations all I know is that at the end I could not longer downward dog because my mat was literally pooled with dripping sweat and my hair was plastered to my head like a deep conditioning treatment gone wrong.  What I loved about the class was the partner work and surviving.

Overall I have serious inferiority issues around yoga.  There is so much twisting, bending, breathing and everyone looks so freaking good doing it.  There are ways my body just can’t move and yoga seems to taunt me with all of these ways.

After I let the yoga thoughts in I started yelping away for reviews and locations.  I stumbled upon Yoga Shakti, a yoga studio with a location in Irvine near the UC campus.  The website was warm and inviting PLUS an amazing $39 for two weeks deal advertised merrily on the front page.  As a total bonus the schedule couldn’t be more in tune with my own.  Yoga at 6pm, 7:30pm and 7 days a week – perfect for fitting yoga in between meetings, work and filling up my weekends.

I perused the classes – they offer Level 1, Level 2, some Power yoga and Gentle/Restorative yoga.  All the classes are 90 minutes long (gulp!) and mats are free (more on those free mats later!).

I signed up for a Sunday restorative class to try it out.  I found the studio with no problems; it is in a strip mall with a Trader Joe’s, Peets coffee a movie theatre and a 24-hour fitness.  It is set among UC Irvine, so parking is a bit of a challenge, but the parking lot is big and I’ve had no issues at all.  Walking a bit to class is not a bad thing and the area is super safe.  The only downside is the lure of the In-N-Out on the other side and of course the beckoning of a Peet’s Iced Latte to replenish nutrients after class.

The studio itself is warm and inviting AND they have a great jewelry/clothing/yoga accessory section – love me some great retail!  The studio offers free mats – however after just two classes I decided to bring my own mat (which reminds me that I need a new mat – I think the mat I have is a faux yoga mat and it squeaks at the most inappropriate times!).  Free mats are great, but they also hold a funk that makes me squeamish.

First class was great.  Restorative as it was I wasn’t as bored and we did some more challenging things, including some down dogs and bridges.  With some built up confidence I signed up for Monday’s 90-minute Level one class.  Waiting for the class on Monday the instructor introduced herself to me – 7 months pregnant and adorable she exuded an air of genuineness and welcome.  Of course in the class I tucked myself into the back corner where I could see both the clock and everyone else.  Leah had a kind voice and provided individual praise and gentle corrections to everyone in the class.

I liked the class so much I went back on Wednesday.  Leah and I had a brief exchange about Pilates and during Wednesday’s class she incorporated some Pilates ab and leg lifts into our class which was a great surprise.  Today I took another Level One class with Shanti.

I have a lot to work though and on and am not at yogi status yet, but I’m moving toward yoga-fandom and even found myself looking up the names of poses last night and trying to memorize the English and Sanskrit names so I would know what pose was being described.  Apparently that part is going to take a while as I have no ear for language and when you pair that with my lack of kinetic body knowledge I end up confused and staring at the instructor.  I do however really like the Sanskrit names.  Utktasana sounds way more gentle and flowing than Chair Pose.

I’ve had some mini-epiphanies while in Savasana this week:

• I’ve gotta give up worrying about other people’s practice.  Eyes on my own practice and let go of the inferiority and envy I feel toward Miss bendy on my left.

• Breathing is a skill and I don’t have it yet.

• Not every Level One is created equal.  All of my instructor’s have been wonderful, Monday and Wednesday Leah gave great queues, adjustments and took us through a challenging but doable routine keeping the sun salutation section short in length but returning to it throughout the class.  Today Shanti proved excellent, queuing, praise, subtle correction and she displayed a serious love of the Sun Salutation/Vinyasa sequence; today’s lasted for 30 minutes (including warm-up) and we planked a lot!

• I have weak/computer-ravaged wrists and may need to buy some yoga glove thingies.

• Shoulder-stand seems as inaccessible as teaser once did – which means that someday I will shoulder-stand with the class, but I can’t promise I will ever wheel.

• If  there was ever a justification for a good pedicure it is yoga.  Catching sight of my pretty toes makes my practice happier.

• I sort of think I need to keep doing this yoga thing.  In all the time I’ve been in CA I haven’t slept well, until Monday and Wednesday nights.  Hmm, maybe there is something to this mind-body connection after all???

• Savasana Snoring happens.  Not to me, not yet…

Pilates – my first fitness love is not gone or forgotten.  Yoga is just the next chapter.

Pre-Yoga tension

Post Yoga tension relieved and flexibility gained

Today’s activity of choice involved Salt Air, Seawater and surfer gawking.  I woke up completely unenthused at the prospect of practicing yoga in front of Lululemon size 10 and down clothing and the idea of cardio to nowhere made me curl deeper into my gorgeous comforter.

So I dragged ass out of bed and as the coffee dripped I decided to take my exercise outdoors and find a beach where I could walk, wade and recenter.

My OC savvy friends had told me a while ago about the beauty of Dana Point, but I hadn’t found my way there until today.  I used my Prius navi to guide me to Salt Creek State Park in Dana Point in the early afternoon.

Finding my way to the park and its parking lot was easy.  Finding my way down to the beach was another story… In some ways I consider myself very worldy, I have traveled through most of the nation’s airports, found myself in Europe successfully navigating Heathrow and the tube by myself AND I have learned to  merge onto the 405 with only minor white knuckling; however the reality is that I am a naïve rural chick who lacks some very real elements of commonsense.  For example, as I mentioned finding and parking in the Beach parking lot was super easy, I even figured out how to use the parking permit machine (staring intently at the dude ahead of me helped).  The entire time I was parking and paying  I kept wondering how the hell was I going to get to the beach.  The beach was across the street but looked completely gated off.  I saw some kids leaning against the fence thing but crawling around or over said fence didn’t seem quite right to me – not when I was spending a buck an hour for parking.  Finally I trailed a nice young couple and their baby – I figured they paid for parking and MUST be going to the beach, right?  Luckily I guess correctly and after a few yards the light bulb went on – there was a small set of stairs and then a path that went UNDER the street.  Geesh.  Who knew?

Anyway – I started down the path in earnest and then realized it led straight down to the water – WAY DOWN, I’m talking mini-mountain elevation here.  I briefly contemplated giving it up then and heading back to the apartment to wallow in some homesickness, but the beauty of the water and the salt in the air got me and I figured now was as good a time as any to test out my functional fitness skills.

I walked down the path, eavesdropping on surfer conversations and absorbing the gorgeous views.  Once I hit the bottom I took off on a path just above the ocean and wandered until it ended in a small staircase to the beach.  I walked for over an hour, back and forth, getting my pants soaked in my wading enthusiasm.  I am a sucker for water, especially ocean water.

Finally I stopped and just stared out at the water, watching the surfers and trying to find my grounding.  I thought of Cyndi and took Mountain Pose there in the sand, letting the waves brush up against my feet and ankles and feeling the power of the ocean draw the water back inward.  It was the most peaceful and ME experience I’ve had since arriving in California.

I decided in those moments that surfing is going on my bucket list.  Watching the surfers as I stood still was such pure pleasure.  Seeing the way they popped up and conquered their waves without getting discouraged when the ocean nudged them back into its depths – I could feel their joy at the ride.

I also discovered that surfing holds some life lessons for all of us.  Today this is what I learned from the surfers:

v     Have Patience.  Not every wave is THE wave but it is out there and if you are looking for it you will find it.

v     Share.  There is some sort of honor code out in the water as in a line of 20 surfers I saw them time and time again share waves and wait their turn.

v     Learn to go with the flow, the up and down flow that is…the swells are large but the surfers just drift up and down, not pushing or pulling against the tide – but going with it – in order to get what they want.  Hmm, now that may be the most important lesson of my day…

v     Build a strong core.  It takes serious strength to pop up on a surfboard while a wave is crashing all around you.  It is all about the core physically and the core of strength inside giving the drive and desire to get up – no matter how many waves knock you off the board.

I never thought I would see Surfing as a metaphor for getting through life – but there it is… I’m going to start practicing dry popping up on my yoga mat to see if I can build enough strength to someday try catching my own wave.  In the meantime I’m totally going back to watch even if it does mean climbing back UP the mini-mountain.  The lure of the water is too great and the feeling of the water and sand between my toes is addictive.

Since moving to California I have struggled mightily with my Pilates practice.  I came out here an overconfident, semi-proficient reformer girl.  4 months later I find myself barely able to handle the hundreds and I haven’t lifted in short-spine since I visited Maine in November.

I found a studio where I thought I could fit in and continue my Pilates journey – but a couple of months in I am finding that reformer classes don’t conform to my very challenging corporate schedule and the mat classes I’ve been taking, while great, only occur on the weekends and they just canceled Sunday classes so my abs are only called upon once a week on Saturday.

There are hundreds (literally) of studios in Orange County, but they all appear to cater to non-working women who have $50 and up to spend on reformer classes.  I am neither non-working or full of discretionary reformer money so my options are limited.

I have perused Barre classes, also as commonplace cupcake shops, these seem to occur at better for me hours and at a more budget-friendly price point but low self-esteem is a real inhibitor to facing the barre.  This though I may be able to conquer by telling myself I am doing recognizance for Leslie…

Basically I am feeling defeated and sensing that my hard-won progress through short-spine, teaser and even full teaser is slipping away to a place I may never find again.

My fitness these days involves cardio at least 4 days a week and working in a Pilates class once a week plus some on-demand Pilates (that Mari Windsor chick is quite the salesgirl – she tried to sell me a flexi grip thing during the hundreds last night AND didn’t allow fast forwarding…)

Oh the horror of cardio.  My gym is a no-nonsense kind of place, $14 a month, equipment is solid the establishment is clean and there are no amenities, which is fine with me.  I walk in to work-out, not to get naked in the steam-room and share sports-bra tips in the locker room.  I am able to walk-in with my earbuds activated and start moving.  But the moving is SO FREAKING BORING.  The elliptical, the treadmill, the bike, the other bike…all of it is just dull.  I have tried to switch it up – interval training 10 minutes on each piece of equipment or podcasts vs. music, staring at the other gym goers, staring at the UFC fighting championship, I’ve tried it all but at the end I am just bored and know that I am not pushing myself the way I should push.

Today I went to Mat class.  It was hard.  Not just hard.  Super-Pure Movement w/Lori hard.  I dripped sweat in my eye and at one point while bouncing on a ball ( which yes I feared would pop under my girth) while lifting my feet I seriously considered just walking out and not looking back just to stop the pain-filled bouncing.  It was hard in a way I want to be pushed.  I want to walk out of class feeling drained and euphoric.  I want my exercise to lift my self-esteem and I want to feel that way more than once a week.

I don’t want to be in charge of my own level of sweat, obviously take a peek at me – that is just not working.  I need someone else to keep pushing until I either collapse in a heap or start mumbling curse words.

So where do I go from here?  I honestly don’t know.  I’ll continue on with cardio and I’ll continue the quest for a studio to call my own out here.  In the short-term I may take advice from Lululemon and do one thing that scares me everyday and make tomorrow’s scare me moment the free Yoga class at Lululemon at Fashion Island – taught by The Pilates Studio folks.  It is a good way to get a yoga session in AND check out an instructor from a potential Yoga studio.  We shall see.  At the minimum I’ll go back to cardio purgatory and spend some time ellipticalling to no where.  This whole fitness/healthy body thing is a journey and I’m ok with that, I just don’t want to lose the things I’ve found along the way.

Motivation for today courtesy of Pinterest and “Muddlingthruthegrays.tumblr.com”

New Year’s Eve 2010 I found myself in the Old Port with excellent parking and a tableful of friends enjoying a glass of bubbly before ringing in 2011.  Sitting around that table we talked about the year that was passing.  One friend mentioned that 2010 had been a tough year and he was looking forward to 2011.  When he said that I had a premonition that for me 2011 would be the tough year, 2010 had been a free ride of fun.  2011 was about to be the year of the struggle.

Fast forward to New Year’s Eve 2011 and I am sitting alone in a Philadelphia Airport Marriott, sans bubbly and any friends or my husband.  I wound up here due to some random person vomiting on the plane I was due to take to Phoenix on my way to Orange County; apparently it is tough to de-stink a plane of New Year’s Eve vomit.  The end result is all my connections were missed and I am here – the last place I ever expected to be 365 days ago.  It is a fitting end to a year that was trying and troublesome and full of not so happy twists and turn.  I am more than happy to watch the ball drop and say sayonara to 2011.

I can’t say 2011 was all bad, there were amazing moments that I will treasure forever; including Eastport, Sherri and Keith’s wedding, road trip to Florida and experiencing Disney with my nieces, nephew, Tom and Mom and Shelley, a couple PA business trips, many hours in the green chair with Oliver, Noon Pilates classes and a few painfully worth-it Bar Sculpt classes to name a few things.

But the good was overshadowed by the stressful and scary,  Dad and his ginormous skin tumor and now the same cancer metastasizing to his lymph nodes, my on-going foot issues, the decision to take a position in CA for personal and professional reasons, my sister making the toughest decision of her life.  Those are the things that reverberated throughout the 2011 calendar.

I am by nature an optimistic and perky person so I’d like to think I learned something this year and can take the good into 2011.  All the things that overshadowed 2011 will show us their lessons in 2012.

So here in no particular order are some of the lessons/realizations of 2011 that I will carry into 2012.

v     I have the best friends in the world.  Yeah, this is something I already knew, but this year more than ever I felt the love.  Whether they have been with me since before I learned cursive or discovered along the way they are an amazing group of people that make me laugh, keep me sane and give me an enormous amount of joy.  I truly won the friendship lottery.

v     I will never, ever waste or take a healthy day for granted.  I struggle every day with my weight and food will always be my nemesis – but that does not mean I can’t exercise and attain a level of fitness.  Seeing my Dad struggle this year with COPD, skin cancer and aging in general I am more motivated than ever to stay fit and strive toward a healthier lifestyle everyday.

v     Family Vacations are best enjoyed a few months after experienced.  This year my Mom took us all to Disney World, an amazingly generous gift for all of us.  It was challenging fun.  That much togetherness is tough on a bunch of grown-ups with their own stresses and 90-degree heat with 200% humidity.  In the end we had a great time and learned how to enjoy each other AND give each other space.  I also learned that vodka slushies are the antidote to too many hours with the relatives.

v     I married well.  My husband is beyond the best; his patience, kindness and flexibility this year have made all the difference.  He is the person I miss the most and having to spend these months away from him while I’m in CA and he stays behind in ME have made me love him more and snapped me out of any “taking for granted” rut 10 years of marriage lulled me into.

v     Despite my advancing age I can still achieve.  Small accomplishments like teaser, biking up hills that once seemed as insurmountable as Everest and making my own way in a strange place; all of these things have opened my eyes to the fact that if these things are possible than who knows what else I can accomplish if I focus.

v     Own what I love and acknowledge my faults.  This year I stopped making excuses for my love of the corporate driven Starbucks, red wine on Friday nights, carbohydrates and diet soda.  These things aren’t the best for me but there is no denying my love for these things.  I also acknowledge that I have little patience, am easily annoyed by stupidity, have control issues and when not fed at regular intervals turn into a super-bitch.

If I thought about it I’m sure I could list many, many other things but for now this is enough.  It is time to move on, embrace the New Year and hope that the twists and turns of this year hold better surprises than 2011.

2012 Update – Starting off on a positive note flights to Orange County from Philadelphia were smooth AND as I glided down the escalator toward baggage at John Wayne Airport I spied my luggage patiently waiting for me.  Having my wardrobe and make-up is a great way to kick off 2012.

Last week I moved to Orange County California to take a different job with the same company.  Orange County, land of boobs, botox and a whole lot of created beauty.  Not exactly the most conducive atmosphere for the plus sized pilates enthusiast.  But I refuse to give up my pilates practice just because my frame doesn’t fit the OC ideal so I have decided to search the County for a new studio.

Luckily the OC is a place where Pilates studios are as commonplace as the Prius (shout out to my new OC vehicle!).  So I have a choice of where I can practice my tabletop, teaser and tree.

After some intensive Google and Yelp searching Core Reform Pilates in Newport Beach caught my eye because of its $15 first class fee and because their website talked about empowering the student to change their body.

I signed into their mindbody on-line system and registered for the Saturday morning reformer class.  The studio was easy to find  – a quick 10 minute drive from my apartment located in the concrete suburbia of Irvine I found myself in the lush Oceanside town of Newport Beach and the sort-of hip Westcliff plaza. Easily parking the aforementioned Prius  I gathered up my abs and headed across the parking lot to the studio.  The class before was just finishing up and I noticed an older woman and her daughter standing outside waiting.  We started chatting and it was the older woman’s first class so I gave her my “Pilates is the best thing you will ever do for yourself speech.”  Really someone needs to make me a Pilates for the plus size spokeswoman – I had this woman so excited for her first class she lost the fear of finding her abs look and was beaming from ear to ear.

Once inside the studio I was taken aback to see 10 (yes Leslie 10!!!) reformers lined up along two sides of a mirrored wall.  The studio itself is light and bright with pale blue walls and a weathered gray faux wood floor.

The class I selected was a Level 1 and the description states that 20 minutes of class is spent discussing how to use the equipment and the last 30 minutes spent in a Level 2 type of Pilates workout.  After 2 weeks away from the reformer I thought it was a good place for me to start.

When I sat on my reformer I discovered it was not like the ones I am used to – springs were different and it seemed shorter somehow and a bit lower to the ground.  Once all 10 of us (full class with mostly newbies) were settled the very instructor (blond, nice didn’t introduce herself so I don’t know here name) quickly ran through the machine.  When I say quick I mean it was a 2 minute demonstration which had my head spinning because not only were the springs different, the footbar was different AND there was some sort of trampoline thing that I was expected to put into place and bolt down when the time came.  I am not mechanically inclined and had no idea how this was going to happen.  Luckily for me I show helpless all over my face and when tramp time came a lovely  woman took control of my reformer and bolted the thing down for me or I may have found myself bouncing right into the reformer across from me.

After the whirlwind of a demo we started in on a regular workout.  How did I know the workout was about to begin?  Well the instructor turned on her mic pack, got out her stopwatch and we were off.  Yes, microphone.  It seemed a little overkill but it did make me laugh.

The Good:

• I loved the tramp board – it was super fun to launch off of it and spin and twirl my legs while engaging the core and focus to land correctly.  It was tough and it made me sweat!

• The price, the prices here are cheaper than I’ve seen elsewhere.

• Schedule: they offer classes both Saturday and Sunday – I’ve figured out that making it to a weekday Pilates class is going to be impossible based on my schedule and traffic.

• The instructor was encouraging and had good energy.

What I didn’t enjoy so much

• It was impersonal and had more of a spin class sort of vibe.

• It bothered me that the instructor never asked anyone if they had any injuries.  The instructor also never offered modifications for the moves.

The number of reformers could go into the good and not so great category – I liked the number because it is easy to get into the class, but the more reformers the less attention from the instructor – and if there is anything I need it is attention so I am held accountable for working to my potential.

I felt good after class and was happy to have reconnected with my abs.  So much so that when I got home later that day I decided to see what sort of Sunday class I could find.  I blame ab-euphoria.

I stumbled across the Lululemon at Irvine Spectrum website and while I have serious issues with Lulu because of her lack of plus size options I do love that the stores offer free community classes.  Lulu at Irvine Spectrum offered a Pilates Mat class by a local studio Sunday at 9am – and I figured why not – it was free and although I hate the Mat I figured it was a good way to experience another studio’s instructor.

I showed up in my non-Lulu ensemble just before 9am and was warmly greeted by two employees.  We chatted about how I heard about the class, Maine and my hate for the Pilates Mat.

The instructor came over at that point (embarrassing moment to find out that she overheard me explain my hatred for the Pilates Mat…) smiling and friendly, she immediately introduced herself as the owner of the studio KinetiCore Pilates teaching that week and said that she actually loves to hear that from students.  We chatted for a few minutes about reformer vs. mat.  Then the lovely ladies at Lulu helped me pick out a mat – we used two – the heavier mat and one on top which I really liked.   Community class is held right in the middle of the store which is really just average sized, I would compare it to the size of the Portland, ME showroom just moving all of the racks out of the way.

There were 6 people in the class including the instructor’s husband.  Carol took us through a full on Pilates Mat class.  Many of the moves were familiar, but there were some that I had not done before and they were a fun challenge.  Carol took the time to correct form, demonstrate the moves and walked to each student to help when necessary.  By the end I was a sweaty, leg shaking mess.  After the 50 minute class Carol asked me how I liked it and I told her quite honestly that she sort of made me not hate mat Pilates.  Her style, energy and teaching were similar to Pure Movement and she made me feel great about making it to class.  As a reward I purchased a darling Lulu headband for my very sweaty and frizzy hair.

I left clutching my headband encased in a super cute reusable Lulu bag and a coupon for 20% off a session at KinetiCore.

I looked up the studio and found out that Carol is not only the founder of her studio but is a Doctor of physical therapy.  I’m excited to schedule my discounted class at this studio.

OC weekend Pilate – check back here for other updates and I explore the many Pilates studios of OC in a quest to find my abs in a fun, accepting, sweat inducing environment.   As I pursue my quest I think I might continue to visit Lululemon for some Sunday morning free Pilates!

Since coming back from a pilates-Bar Sculpt-pretty much exercise free unless you count the Disney World Line shuffle – vacation – I have felt completely uninspired by exercise and my abs have retreated deep inside the flab and refuse to be coaxed out even by Leslie.  After my sweaty, mind and body draining yoga workshop I still haven’t felt strong during workouts.

I’ve found myself looking for and taking excuses not to walk up the stairs to Pure Movement.  I have climbed on my bike and conquered a little bit of the road outside my house – including one fairly impressive incline – but I haven’t felt engaged or motivated to go further or push myself.  So today’s class was a pleasant relief.

The reality is that I have to exercise.  Especially since I can’t seem to find the appetite off switch.  Exercise is hard.  It is an unfortunate fact that getting progressively more fit involves sweating, effort and uncomfortable feelings body and mind.

I don’t know if tomorrow will bring the same motivation but I do know I am motivated to move tomorrow just to see if I can feel the same desire to push myself forward.

Quick yoga update:  Since my sweaty yoga workshop survival I have not taken any official yoga classes.  I have done Yogaworks on demand a couple of times and have to admit I found it a bit too slow for me.  It is on my to-do list to take a real yoga class but I am finding myself still intimidated by all the dogging and pushing – down dog, up dog, low dog, low push up, etc.  I’ll find my way to a class.  The physical and mental part of yoga intrigue me and I’m still intent on conquering the oh so evil Down Dog.

Before I left for vacation I was feeling frustrated about not being able to fit in as many workouts and have been struggling with my right foot’s ongoing tendonosis (not itis – which is apparently similar but different…)  This frustration combined with record high work stress has led to one too many stops at Starbucks and some other less than stellar food choices, of the carb and sugar variety.

Getting to Saturday’s workshop was stressful – I left later than planned and living an hour away there are no short-cuts.  I did arrive with 5 minutes to spare but with an elevated level of anxiety.

The room was already full when I joined the group, the prime back of the room spots taken up and only one spot in the middle open for a mat.  As always I was the largest person in the room.  In my basic JC Penny workout capris and lightweight coral t-shirt I settled down on my mat as far toward the back of the class as possible and looked around with envy at all the Lululemon ensembles (which makes me wonder what Portland Maine yoga and Pilates folks were wearing before Lulu came to town and makes me more than a little angry at the Lulu for not making clothes to fit larger size bodies – we move too you know.)

I tried to quell my anxiety about spending 2 hours contorting and supporting my body by saying Hi to the people I know and chatting with the other brand new to yoga newbie on my right.  I admit that when I glanced at the clock and it read 9:09am I had a moment of joy thinking that the 2 hour workshop was now down to 1 hr 51 minutes.

Finally the class began.  When Luca started the class he asked everyone to proclaim an intention (to ourselves) for this class; only one thought popped into my mind:  “just get through it.”

45 minutes and 20 or so downdogs into class a new thought drifted into my head as sweat sprinkled off me in a steady shower – “you should stop doing any sort of exercise because it is obvious it isn’t doing you any good.”  This was for sure the low point for me and I could not push the thought away for the next several minutes and poses.

A little later in class I did have the realization that what I was doing right there with my shoulders aching and my body sweat soaked was more satisfying than 50 hours spent behind my desk and buried in my in-box all week.  That thought was my class peak.

Looking back now the workshop was a bit of a blur.  I am only slightly familiar with the poses and my body has no kinetic memory and I have a very difficult time remembering poses and after a while the rapid fire direction (at least rapid fire in my mind) of high pushup/low pushup/downdog/warriors 1 through 2 and then triangle were a little overwhelming and I found great frustration in not being able to move through the poses or even understand what pose was next.

Those 2 hours were the most difficult movement I have ever done and that includes a Saturday morning BarSculpt class where I literally thought my ass was going to pop off and run for the hills.

I was so slick with sweat toward the end of the Possibilities workshop that I could not go into downdog as I would slip forward uncontrollably (lesson learned, bring a towel next time). My shoulders hurt so much from high/low pushup that my arms felt like lead as I held them out straight in warrior and triangle.

Finally after a failed attempt at bridge (which was – for the record) my most successful gymnastics move when I was 14) and success with my favorite inversion of all time – the name of which escapes me but it involves a block under my tailbone and my legs dangling in space – we were done.  Not just done but spent.  I looked around the room and saw that everyone else was sweat-soaked and had a look of satisfied exhaustion on their faces.

As we walked out of class my BFF who attended as part of a 2-day training asked me if I felt blissed out – or did I feel frustrated.  I didn’t dare give her an honest answer right then as the second I walked out into the cooler air -  I was back to thinking about how the whole 2 hours felt like a complete fail and maybe I should really seriously consider stopping any sort of physical movement if after 2 years of Pilates and sporadic BarSculpt and bike riding I am still not able to handle a yoga class.  Instead I just sort of laughed and changed the subject – because if I told her the truth she would have given me the reality check I needed but wasn’t quite ready for in that moment.

I hear yogis repeat that yoga is a practice and I get that, it isn’t something you perfect after a few sessions; the moves are intricate and can always be taken deeper or modified.  But for me, right now, I think what I need to practice is getting over myself and my own idea of what I can and can’t do with my body.

Like Luca says if you are living in the story you tell yourself you aren’t really living, so if I stop exercising altogether because I could not do all the down dogs and or even get into bridge then I am existing in a story that just plods along with no peaks or valleys and will probably end far too soon.

24 hours later – I am sore everywhere, shoulders, stomach, legs, but in a very satisfying way that makes me want to downdog again and keep practicing.  I never did feel blissed out but I did feel a strange sort of energy for the rest of the day yesterday and slept well.  I cannot say yet that I am a yogi in the making but I am inspired to find a class where I can continue practicing and work toward a real bridge and downdog with ease.

Namaste.

Early Spring = creative void for me.  It also equals too much time spent behind my desk staring into the glowing emptiness of my computer monitor and a fitness funk I have not been able to shake.

Between the fitness funk and continued struggles with figuring out a way to not overeat I haven’t felt like putting fingers to keyboard to do anything other than lazily shop on-line and peruse food blogs.  Not the best use of my time and the end result is I have a pedicure that hasn’t been touched since January, there is a gleaming gray hair visible in my bangs and my wardrobe and house are suffering from the blahs.

So two paragraphs into this long overdue blog post and I still have no idea what I want to express, so instead let me just break down some of the random items happening lately and things I’m liking and not liking and you can make of it what you will…

v     The 2011 Fling has flung!  Good times and too much chocolate were had by all last Sunday – all to benefit my favorite local non-profit – SARSSM!  Tom once again provided the light pop music to accompany our overfilled plates of chocolate, Cyndi shone as the hostess of the event and this year my favorite nephew got to stand on stage and pick raffle tickets.

v     Here are a couple of things I am loving right now:

o       The new iced cocoa cappuccino from Starbucks, 150 calories and lots of foam in a delicious chocolately caffeine treat.  I am a tiny bit skeptical about the 150-calorie count on the grande version – but my iphone app can’t be wrong can it?

o       Layer Cake Shiraz – discovered at Trader Joe’s and purchased because of the cake picture on the bottle – it turns out this stuff is wine-tastic!  Deep, rich and altogether drinkable even at the elevated price of $12.99 it makes its way into my TJ’s cart a couple time a month and has added a whole new level of yumm to Friday night wine night.

v     What I’m not enjoying right now are my wine glasses.  They are old, and I don’t think I even picked them out so they are not “me.”  Of course I’m having a hard time figuring out what sort of wine glasses would represent me so I guess I’m just going to be grateful to have a receptacle for delicious fermented grape.

v     I am also finding myself annoyed at my fitness routines.  I am tired of the bike, feeling stagnated in reformer and am annoyed at trying to fit fitness into my day.  I have tried a few new things, among the best was a small group bar sculpt class – taken only once, but I did follow it up with another bar sculpt class.  I also forced Mom to do some duet training with me – while fun the workout was tailored more for Mom I did not get that “sweat through the bra” feeling that makes me feel like I’ve actually worked out.   It is almost Spring and visions of my bike are dancing through my head.  I also cruised some exercise on demand and found a yoga class that seemed doable.  I have scheduled a yoga session with Cyndi and am almost considering contacting my friend Missy to check out this whole P90X fitness trend thing.  Oh and of course more BarSculpt needs to fit in to my world.

Yes, I am well aware that my annoyances with my fitness and wine glasses seem sort of shallow – but they are my issues and I am claiming my right to feel the way I feel.  Of course there are bigger issues in the world even in my world there are bigger issues I have to deal with – but this post is more about my putting fingers back to keyboard than discussing the embarrassing antics of our governor or my very real concern about lack of funding for Planned Parenthood and my fear that too many people will go to bed hungry tonight.  Those are the important issues and they put my funk into perspective without taking away the funk.

The wine that makes every wineglass "me"

150 Calories of Goodness

An abundance of Fruit

Food. The ultimate four letter word. Just the utterance of the word can create a myriad of emotions from lust and desire to anxiety, fear and for some of us the ever-present feeling of guilt.

Everyone eats. No matter your size, age or socio-economic state of being every body must receive fuel through the mouth preferably more than once a day and preferably loaded with flavor and pleasing textures more than once a day.

When you are addicted to food the feeling of lust and desire competes with the equally overwhelming emotions of anxiety and guilt, desire and lust usually win out with guilt crashing in after the chewing is completed. When you don’t have enough food to eat the word evokes fear and anxiety not to mention pangs of hunger.

Looking at me it is obviously I have a serious connection with chewing digestible items. I am unequivocally team food. I probably think about food as often as a 17-year-old boy thinks about sex. I think about what I’m going to eat during the day as soon as I wake up, I anticipate each next meal occasion and beat myself up over all my calories as I enter them diligently into my livestrong calorie counter. There are very few moments when food is not at least flitting around the edge of my thoughts.

Whether checking your grocery cart and judging your food choices, devouring the delicious photos on a food blog or thinking about my own eating food unleashes a full range of emotions in me, including guilt. Most of my life I have gone around feeling guilty about what food I consume, how much food I consume and the lack of complete nutrients in my food choices. Lately though I have found my guilt to be more based in the idea that I have too much food to eat while others do not have enough food to eat.

We have all seen the pictures of little children in far away countries with vacant eyes and bellies distended from hunger. Those same little eyes and hungry bellies exist right here too close to home. Too many children and adults around the world are hungry. Look at the enormous amount of food we waste everyday, check out Lisa Ling’s freegan documentary to see how some people literally survive on the food we throw out.

I know how much I love food and the very idea that some people cannot open a cupboard or their refrigerator and satisfy their hunger is the one thing that takes away my appetite. This is an area where I want to have a voice that just might lead to others having enough to eat. I am tired of worrying so much about what I put into my mouth; instead I want to help others stop worrying about finding enough food to put into their mouths. I want food to stop being a four-letter word, for me and for those that are food insecure.

I don’t have a fully formed plan; I’m working on that part. I’d like to do more than donate money; I want to be a participant in the fight to end hunger even as I try to manage my own messy relationship with the one thing none of us can go without. For something else to chew on today check out Good Shepard Food Bank which is part of Feeding America for some great information on hunger statistics close to home and Unicef for a global perspective on the issue of hunger.